li'l bowl of sunshine...

What We Try to Deny

Perhaps it shows... despite my sincerest attempts to squelch the demon within... I am still a little crazy in the head.

Obviously, the voice I repeatedly give the open mic to is my higher self. Because, I figure, the more I pronounce it, the less the less-evolved side of me will rear its compulsive head.

I'm just not sure how well my plan is working.

I choose to accentuate the positive to hopefully breed more of it. The negative, to me, is just harder to communicate constructively. But neither should it be ignored. Because the more we deny our dark side, the more it will express itself in unhealthy ways - i.e. disturbing dreams, sleep problems, eating and other psychological disorders, a loss of ethics, criminal behavior, and for many of us, general life imbalance.

The things that tend to silently get the better of me (even if for mere moments) are the little things; the little annoyances that scratch at my insides because I can't fully rationalize them away. I can't stand, for instance, people tailgating me. I take it personally even when they are utterly clueless, and it creates a claustrophobic feeling in me that is difficult to shake. There are, in addition, worse self-sabotages, like second guessing myself.

Yet while my "issues" are relatively "normal", they're a result of an active and often-faulty inner dialogue. And while this doesn't manifest in a destructive way to the outside world, it does create roadblocks to the Peace of Mind I crave.

Do we all doubt ourselves this much and are we just afraid to admit it?

It seems it requires a very disciplined mind to get (and stay) in tip-top cognitive shape. Like training for the Olympics, the ride to enlightenment and self-actualization is anything but a free and easy one.

Still, I'm left wondering.

Is something specific underlying this self-conscious and anxious thinking? Or did I just learn it along the way, picking it up unknowingly like lint to clothes and dirt to skin.

In a world (inner and outer) so full of complexities and consequences, seems the water's always going to get dirty when we bathe ourselves. And fighting human nature may or may not be just as futile. I'm still on the fence about that... but at least my sense of balance is showing improvement.

Wonderland

There’s something magic in the air today… Ok, it might just be in my head. But visions are popping up like bubbles in my brain, giving me tiny little boosts of inspiration.

I really don’t know what it is about these visions… They’re just like pockets of hope that sail past my awareness, giving me glimpses of things that were or are or could be.

I’m not sure what specifically I’m supposed to do with them, so I just let their fuzzy little spirits in, fueling the fire I have (and sometimes misplace) for life.

It’s odd that images fleeting and unclear could motivate me so, and so I think they must somehow be attached to the very core of me.

What excitement is up ahead, I have no clue. But these breadcrumbs help me arise from the mossy log, brush off my skirt and continue skipping along my merry way.

[photo: Dillon Beach, CA]

On Following Your Desires

The sky, it takes my breath away

as the trees, beneath, sway.

There are mystifying moments
yet to come for me...

I anticipate them with glee.


Do,

and you will glow,

and they will notice,

and all will flow.

Is 40 the New 'Grown Up'?

I consider myself a late bloomer. I started my "career" after age 30. I've never been married or had children. In fact, I really didn't come to understand the complex beauty of commitment until my late 30s.

Now, as I approach 40 with a curious squint and tilting of my head, I actually feel like I'm getting younger instead of older.

Of course, there are things that hint of a grown-up life; like an 18-year-old daughter at home, a wine collection, a brand new (rather than hand-me-down) couch... And these things do make me feel mature in a good sense, as if I'm finally getting past a stage of my life that felt somewhat confusing and stagnant.

It's not to say that nothing is perplexing or latent anymore; It's just that those feelings and episodes are more like rolling waves on a pretty smooth sea. And just as I begin to understand more - as in the greater sense and tendency of it all - I also know how to admit I know less. And this brings me back to a childlike innocense, remembering what it felt like to exist in an utterly trusting way.

I don't have to have all the answers. Instead, I think the opposite is the liberator. To go with the flow and not know where or when it will ebb... and to not judge the process along the way... This is the challenge of being both wiser and less knowing. It's a place where you know you're floating, but you stop kicking so hard to get a handle on the stars or diving and paddling so fiercely to feel the bottom.

Because what goes up must come down, what flies away will come 'round. And that includes everything in my own psyche and life - coming full circle at some point and in some way, until there's not just a sense but an understanding that, yes, alas - everything does happen for a reason.

Following Where the Day Leads

“In every moment, seek to know what your life's purpose is and let everything you do be in alignment with it.”

Here we go again… Another quote I can’t quite wrap my mind around. I’ve read it 5 times already.

So I’ll try to break it down:

Right now, what do I think my life’s purpose is? Well, if I knew that, I wouldn’t be reading quotes like these. Oh well, I’ll try to be a little more cooperative here, because this challenge has obviously intrigued me.

So again, right now, what is my life’s purpose?

No pressure.

I give up.

So if I don’t know, how can I let everything be in alignment with it? Maybe I’m missing the point. Maybe it’s the simple act of seeking my purpose out at all times that affects everything else in my life, like my thoughts and actions.

I’m still a little lost here.

Maybe I’ll just brainstorm…

I would imagine… my life’s purpose has something to do with becoming a better person, working toward the best me I can be. And I would imagine that includes helping others in some way, which in turn might help me realize my potential. So it’s cyclical, it’s inherently connected; by default, one assuredly affects the other.

So knowing this much, will this then also affect the other aspects of my life? It could. If I seek to be the best me and to be helpful to others.

...The other day, I was shopping on my lunch hour. An hour is not much time for a girl to shop responsibly, and I was especially aware of this, needing 15 minutes travel time each way. But as I neared the front of the store, I noticed an elderly woman trying to get someone’s attention. Only, no one was willing to give it to her. Without analyzing the situation (like how I would lose out on precious shopping time – I know, selfless me), I instinctively stopped to listen to her and see what was the matter. At first, she babbled on as if she were a little loony. But I soon realized she was just lost and flustered. So I walked with her for the remainder of my lunch hour until we found her destination.

She was grateful, but not overly so. The thing was, I felt like a million bucks. Because I knew I did not want to be the person unwilling to help, the person unwilling to be inconvenienced to help ease someone else's suffering. And I did not have to go out and seek the opportunity; it came to me.

Even though I walked away empty-handed (in the apparel sense), I felt I did what I was meant to do: help that woman on my lunch hour. Plain and simple but not insignificant...

I don’t know if this has much to do with the quote I opened with, but I think it does. And just because I can’t draw a straight line from it to here doesn’t mean I don’t know where I’m going. I just can’t see my destination all that clearly yet.

Wild Abandon

Was I writing poetry again?
or was it just a dream...
I look closer
and see the whole world in my wine glass -
It seems so cool and serene.
There is something lonesome in this;
funny how I see it now

That what is missing... is a consumption
safe sips are sweet but sometimes slip by
undetected