What We Try to Deny

Perhaps it shows... despite my sincerest attempts to squelch the demon within... I am still a little crazy in the head.

Obviously, the voice I repeatedly give the open mic to is my higher self. Because, I figure, the more I pronounce it, the less the less-evolved side of me will rear its compulsive head.

I'm just not sure how well my plan is working.

I choose to accentuate the positive to hopefully breed more of it. The negative, to me, is just harder to communicate constructively. But neither should it be ignored. Because the more we deny our dark side, the more it will express itself in unhealthy ways - i.e. disturbing dreams, sleep problems, eating and other psychological disorders, a loss of ethics, criminal behavior, and for many of us, general life imbalance.

The things that tend to silently get the better of me (even if for mere moments) are the little things; the little annoyances that scratch at my insides because I can't fully rationalize them away. I can't stand, for instance, people tailgating me. I take it personally even when they are utterly clueless, and it creates a claustrophobic feeling in me that is difficult to shake. There are, in addition, worse self-sabotages, like second guessing myself.

Yet while my "issues" are relatively "normal", they're a result of an active and often-faulty inner dialogue. And while this doesn't manifest in a destructive way to the outside world, it does create roadblocks to the Peace of Mind I crave.

Do we all doubt ourselves this much and are we just afraid to admit it?

It seems it requires a very disciplined mind to get (and stay) in tip-top cognitive shape. Like training for the Olympics, the ride to enlightenment and self-actualization is anything but a free and easy one.

Still, I'm left wondering.

Is something specific underlying this self-conscious and anxious thinking? Or did I just learn it along the way, picking it up unknowingly like lint to clothes and dirt to skin.

In a world (inner and outer) so full of complexities and consequences, seems the water's always going to get dirty when we bathe ourselves. And fighting human nature may or may not be just as futile. I'm still on the fence about that... but at least my sense of balance is showing improvement.