Spreading wild things around me
I follow my shadow at play
they glow like emeralds in the grass

so many don't stop to see.

Slivers of silver fire
whistle on through the darkness
their gaze always upon the flame

I toss some ever higher
and watch their array all around...

wishing I shone that bright
wishing I were that light.

True Destiny?

“There is a diving design for each person. It is contained within the super-conscious mind, which is the realm of perfect ideas. There is a place that you are to fill that no one else can fill, something you are to do which no one else can do. This perfect picture usually flashes across your conscious mind as an unattainable ideal. It is something that seems too good to be true. In reality, it's your true destiny. Ignorance of your true destiny causes you to go for lesser things that would never totally satisfy if attained.” – Enoch Tan

Serenity V. Stimulation

There may be those people who never question themselves, their lives or their place in the universe. Those who do not struggle with the Big Questions about life… Who are, for lack of a better word, content with the way things are. I do not profess to know that they are any better or worse off than those of us who have opened Pandora’s Box of self-awareness only to find there is no going back.

But if I could go back… would I?

For sanity’s sake, sometimes I think I would.

It seems it would be so much easier being a sweet simple girl who appreciates her life as it is and doesn’t want for more. But then, maybe this is a mythological creature that does not exist or a Big Foot-like entity that very few have ever “seen”.

I suppose what matters in my present world is that while I seek a simple life, the potential of my mind intrigues me more than any serenity I may seek. Meaning, I probably need a certain amount of stimulation in order to appreciate the simple things that come my way.

But if some people crave questions and answers (mystery and discovery) more than others, do some people also feel more than others? And is it a matter of capability (nature), engineering (nature and nurture) or preference?

Wish I Were Here!

Spiraling Upward

I often think about the way we move through life… We have to be moving through it in some way – There’s birth and death, and what we call life in between. Getting from one end to the other is like taking a slow train through scenic territory with lots of daily stops. Maybe sometimes the train speeds up. Maybe sometimes we sleep through the stops. Maybe sometimes, we think we’ve already passed this place once or twice before.

But when I think about the way we move – or evolve – through life… I imagine a spiraling upward motion. (Never mind the fact that we’re all heading toward death. There’s a lot that could be said (philosophized) about this. But the point is: moving from one end of our life to another is like a rite of passage. We all want to look back at who we were and what we did in this life with happiness and peace rather than bitterness and regret).

And so when I think about what I have learned, what I might need to re-learn and what I have yet to learn, sometimes when passing by a town I swear I’ve already been to (or similar challenge I’ve already faced), instead of getting frustrated and asking “What’s the point?!”, I imagine myself spiraling by someplace I may have indeed already been, but will pass by with greater knowledge this time around.

[The beauty of the wise is that they have learned from their mistakes as much as possible. And they also know that sometimes they’re going to have to re-learn something once thought mastered.]

If we were moving through life in a perfectly circular motion, it would be futile. And while I think we are moving in a circular-like pattern, it’s not a closed circle in which we reside. We often encircle some of the same things, people and problems we’ve always encountered – yes. But when we near the point of enclosure, instead of sealing our fate right there, we move slightly above it… to then circle in a similar manner but at a higher altitude, never fully closing the gap.

Because if we did - as a closed system running on itself alone, never pulling new ideas, visions and energies from the outside world - that would give us a finite number of opportunities in which to growth from, causing us to break down much sooner.

So if you get where I’m going with this, go forth into your day spiraling up towards your potential, not deterred by the familiar problems of old, but knowing enough that there will always be a spot ahead in which to jump the track.

Inner Demon Hunters

Why is 10 my favorite childhood age? Because life was easy, I was confident and there seemed a constant harmony to everything in my life.

Looking back, I like who I was then – smart, spunky, fun, kind, and yet uncaring of what others (outside of my most beloveds) thought of me. My doubts were few, my life wide open and magical, full of both comfort and potential.

But did something happen after the glory age of 10 to make my world lose some of its luster? It’s a question I hadn’t specifically pondered until I happened to put the right 2 and 2 together.

I was 11 and she was – for some reason beyond my comprehension – hell-bent on knocking me from my throne (see ‘Crazy Makers’ blog). So naïve to the covert and evil (for lack of a better word) ways of some people, I never knew what hit me until I woke up one morning afraid of the very world in which I had once flourished.

I eventually started anew in the 7th grade – a perfectly sweet but now rather timid girl who wore dresses when all others were wearing only pants. And I built myself back up and into general ‘popularity’ by the 8th grade…. But did I ever fully return to the girl I was at age 10??

In many ways, I know I did; the core of me was never lost. In some ways, however, I brought with me into this future some demons I’d never known before. But just how much, I now wonder, do they affect my present life?

When my boyfriend and I fight, it’s rarely about any specific issue. Instead, it’s almost always about our personal “issues”, one of them having been triggered instantly and only antagonized further by the other’s now freshly-triggered “issues”. And ‘round and ‘round we go, communicating like two brainless balls in a pinball machine.

In many ways, I think we are the perfect match, even somewhere and somehow within the seemingly ill-fitting areas. Because if a relationship is partially supposed to hold a mirror up to the individuals so they can become aware of their ‘faults’ and improve upon them, those moments when the mirror is especially hard to take must be the moments that hold the most potential for growth.

In other words and in this case, maybe - no pain, no gain.

So I ask myself again - those patterns I have in my life that bring more coldness to my heart than warmth - what did I learn a long time ago that makes me still believe I have to hold to them?

While it might take more than a strong dose of my own self-therapy to figure this one out, I think I owe it to both my 10- and 39-year-old selves to do just that. My boyfriend might also appreciate it. (But then what happens if I resolve my demons while he does not? … Maybe with only one hot trigger finger in the duel, the battle will fizzle out before we’re both riddled with bullet holes).

Happy Sunday!

Realism

Do you go through life rushing through the mundane things to get to the good stuff? Do you try to deny or ignore the unpleasant stuff? Do you blame things outside of yourself and try to blow it all off?

At first glance, it doesn’t seem like such a bad or unnatural thing to do. After all, none of us likes the yucky stuff. None of us wants to experience unpleasant things. Sometimes it is someone else’s fault. And what’s so wrong with wanting to move on quickly from what disappoints us?

The danger is just in the judging of every little teeny thing that happens in our life. This is life, after all. And ‘you-know-what’ happens. (Do I have to spell it out for you?). Whether it’s doo-doo or 7-carrot gold, the things we experience in or lives are just life’s way of… well, happening.

If we’re not having any experiences and immersing in them, we’re not really alive anymore. (That can be taken both literally and metaphorically). But we have a choice: Either to choose to appreciate our individual experiences as they come (the ones beyond our control), or, not to appreciate them.

‘Appreciating’ can mean different things, from simply observing something to feeling actual gratitude for them. Different experiences may stir in you different kinds of appreciating. And that’s ok – it’s up to you to decide. Sometimes once you observe something, you may decide you want to step in and attempt to alter its course.

But while it may at times be compelling to turn away and run as far away as possible, when we do this we’ve left a place of ‘appreciation’ or acceptance. Accepting something doesn’t have to mean you condone it. It may just be that you realize it’s not yours to change or that it’s not in your ability to change it. So what’s left? The ‘thing’ has already happened, or is happening to the point that it will see itself through… What’s left is your role: your reaction, assessment or simple awareness of it.

When we don’t appreciate we tend to blame, blow off and disconnect; meaning, we’re not living a full-blown existence – good, bad and ugly. Instead of going to war within ourselves or fighting all the external little nasties that come our way, the key is simply accepting the experiences as part of our growing resume and weaving the experiences and what we learned (or are still learning) from them into our existence and the interactions with others. This helps make us more human. And what better way to connect with others than on this level of healthy realism?!

When we appreciate our experiences in some way – no matter how confusing or complex they may be – we are not judging them; we are accepting them and going with them. We are recognizing that there is meaningfulness to everything, even if we can’t see exactly what it is at first. We are integrating ourselves by integrating all the parts of our lives into a whole.

Have you ever met someone who seems to be walking around in their own bubble? Have you also noticed how difficult it is to get close to them, really get to know them? They are in some way dis-connected from their lives, and so they are also somewhat severed inside. It’s a much lonelier life to go around denying parts of existence or ourselves. There are people out there who will thank you for being your entire (‘good’, ‘bad’ and ‘ugly’) self… Because it will help them bring their own tumultuous totality to the table.

So together, you can look at the muck of your lives, strap on your mud boots and get to work. Because this – the friendship, the muck, the after-party – all of it… is your life.

The Simple Life, Pt. II

What does the simple life entail, anyway? It’s sort of just a feeling by default, and it’s a lot about mindset as well. But there are also details that must fall into place to make the reality of the simple life a little different from that of a different kind of life.

I guess what defines a simple life may be different for each person. One might find the simple life living in the city - shopping at corner markets, walking everywhere possible, immersing in the culture at their fingertips, perusing parks and strengthening their connections with the other people around them.

But for me, it really has to be small town living. While I don’t want to be totally dis-connected from others/society/etc, I also don’t want to be constantly connected; meaning, at the beck-and-call of others/society/etc. via the ever-growing avenues of technology that in some ways make our lives easier… and yet in others, just clutter them up and cause us to try and leave our bodies in ten different directions at once.

So why the small town, rural life for me? Well, I need open space, trees, sky, quiet… the sounds of the seasons and the feelings they stir up within me.

I need time to relax and time to just ‘be’; time to separate from all the other things in the world that can end up feeling like extra weight or pressures clouding my true vision, intuition, feelings, sensations and experiences.

I am a writer, a creator, a sharer, after all. These – my experiences – are my subjects/topics and thus inspirations to share myself with others in a way that daily conversation doesn’t always allow.

Within living an overall simple life are my attempts to slow down the days, to stop and squeeze the moments to see what they really feel like, and to not let this life of mine slip so softly away. At the end of my life I want to know I lived it deliberately; that I did everything I could to appreciate it; that I was present, aware and reasonably responsible for whatever I did or did not do, say, think or feel.

For me, the simple life ends up being a richer life. Because it is exactly the time and space inherent in my-style simple life that enables me to process what’s happened thus far; and then to sketch the next stage of my life.

I want time and space in which to recognize what meaning might already be present in the moments of my life, hiding within the quirky nooks and crannies that we often try to smooth out or cover up. I want time and space in which to infuse my life with the kind of meaning that makes me want to go on from one day to the next - with enthusiasm, yes – but not so much forward-momentum that I swallow chunks of my unlived life whole.