Everybody needs somebody sometimes.

That Nagging Feeling...

You know when you just have a feeling about something or someone? A nagging but out-of-nowhere feeling that something or someone is not all they seem? Meaning, that no matter how great the situation seems or how nice someone acts… there’s something unpleasant lurking?

I’ve had a sneaking suspicion for a while now that someone I have been dealing with is not really on the up and up, is not really who they pretend to be, is definitely not as good and kind as they may try to appear.

But because it’s difficult to back this up with the kind of evidence that will make others understand… I’ve been questioning myself, and ending up feeling rather alone when it comes to my (intuitive?) perceptions of this person.

But then today, in seeking information to make the situation go as smoothly as possible, what I found at first surprised me; that several others have had similar experiences with this person, and they were compelled enough to share their stories.

And then I had to ask myself why I needed confirmation of my own impressions, why I could not accept that my inner compass might be right as opposed to wrong. Because while there’s a certain greatness about being open and considerate and humble… it shouldn’t be at the expense of your (my) own self worth and assuredness.

Go forth into your life trying to always be fair, but be wary of those who don’t.

Dust Stars

There’s been a hefty amount of stress in my life as of late. The good news is that there are definable reasons for all of it, as well as ends in sight if not grasp. The bad news: I hate stress. If there were a stronger sentiment for my dislike of stress, I’d use it. But I’m sure you get the point.

Stress causes me to lose my precious balance between being grounded and reaching for the stars. And it deflates the magic balloons within my head that keep me elevated just enough to bounce through my days. But ultimately, I know I’m in charge of how far I let the stress get to me, because it’s up to me to either let it fester and grow inside of me or send it spiraling out into the universe with a good sustained dose of optimism and determination. It just takes practice and constant attention, a little bit like caring for a two year old. When one of those little tykes – or stress monsters – is in the midst, I have to keep a vigilant eye on the safety of all involved.

Sometimes, however, I get a little reprieve from all this high-energy guarding and a perhaps small but potent reminder that the best life has to offer is often in the tiniest of usually-overlooked daily details.

Take yesterday evening, for instance. After an unusually stressful day, I was taking some time to myself, sitting atop my bed watching the sun setting over the westward mountains. I was feeling pretty deflated for my attempts to move myself to the next level of my life seemed to be falling flat. One more phone call came in and I was about to throw something heavy across the room. But I just sat there, breathing, noticing all the particles in the room floating and bouncing about within the sun’s rays. At first I thought, ‘Great, now I’m breathing a sea of toxins,’ and I blew them up and away from the personal space they were crowding.

Of course, soon they began to settle back in my midst. But this time… I noticed a few of those particles beginning to shine. And then others began to sparkle…. Until there was a galaxy of tiny twinkling, dazzling stars orbiting around me. And my dust storm transformed into a magical universe hovering around and supporting my every move.

The most important part of all: My mood was transformed from hopeless to grateful. And where there’s recognition of the beauty all around us, there’s a magical opening to the potential we’re seeking but not yet finding.

Did I get better news after this incident? I sure did. And I accepted it with grace, glad that I did not, alas, throw that iron across the room, now being just a little closer to understanding the ebbs and flows of life.

“Crazy Making” on the Rise?

You know these people… Maybe not by psychological label… but if you’ve been breathing, talking and walking this planet for more than a couple of decades, you have had some kind of experience with the Emotional Manipulator* (*imagine scary Halloween font here).

It is a personality disorder and you can’t fix someone who has it. Of course there are different levels and extremes, and there may be times when you have no choice but to deal with one of them (say, a family member, co-worker, parent of your child (gasp), etc.), but the best bet if at all possible:
Just
Walk
Away. And do it as quickly as possible.

When I was ten years old I was stalked and found by an Emotional Manipulator. It was methodical, and beyond my comprehension. It broke me down about as far as I could go, and there was little relief in sight, because what kind of adult really thinks a smart, spunky ten year old can be manipulated to the point of breakdown by another ten- year-old girl? How could I even fully express what I was experiencing?

If happened slowly, after all. And escalated a little bit day by day, going on for the entire school year and into that summer. So how could I have let it happen? I had no real idea what exactly was happening. I was once-powerful prey that she took down one scratch, one bite, one passive-aggressive insulting compliment at a time.

Why do I bring this up? Because someone I love is dealing with an Emotional Manipulator. And chances are you know someone who’s in a similar sinking boat. What they need from you most: support, encouragement, information, tough love, empowerment and more support (but don’t enable them to tolerate it). Heck, there should be an International support group specifically for victims of emotional manipulation, because I think this kind of abuse is still too shrouded in mystery and way under the mainstream radar. And it’s hurting too many good, fair-minded and kind-hearted people.

Here are just a few ways to spot an Emotional Manipulator, taken from the website www.FriedGreenTomatoes.org (author Fiona McColl):

* There is no use in trying to be honest with an emotional manipulator (so stop trying to make them see the truth). You make a statement and it will be turned around.

* An emotional manipulator is the picture of a willing helper. If you ask them to do something they will almost always agree - that is IF they didn’t volunteer to do it first. Then when you say, "ok thanks" - they make a bunch of heavy sighs, or other non verbal signs that let you know they don’t really want to do whatever said thing happens to be. When you tell them it doesn’t seem like they want to do whatever - they will turn it around and try to make it seem like OF COURSE they wanted to and how unreasonable you are. This is a form of crazy making - which is something emotional manipulators are very good at.

* Speaking of Crazy Making, they are masters at it, saying one thing and later assuring you they did not say it.

* Emotional manipulators are excellent guilt mongers. They can make you feel guilty for speaking up or not speaking up, for being emotional or not being emotional enough, for giving and caring, or for not giving and caring enough. Any thing is fair game and open to guilt with an emotional manipulator. Emotional manipulators seldom express their needs or desires openly - they get what they want through emotional manipulation. Guilt is not the only form of this but it is a potent one.

* Emotional manipulators fight dirty. They don’t deal with things directly.

* Emotional manipulators somehow have the ability to impact the emotional climate of those around them. When an emotional manipulator is sad or angry the very room thrums with it - it brings a deep instinctual response to find someway to equalize the emotional climate and the quickest route is by making the emotional manipulator feel better - fixing whatever is broken for them.

* Emotional manipulators have no sense of accountability (although they act like they’re the only ones who do). They take no responsibility for themselves or their behavior - it is always about what everyone else has "done to them".

* One of the easiest ways to spot an emotional manipulator is that they often attempt to establish intimacy through the early sharing of deeply personal information that is generally of the "hook-you-in-and-make-you-sorry-for-me" variety. Initially you may perceive this type of person as very sensitive, emotionally open and maybe a little vulnerable. Believe me when I say that an emotional manipulator is about as vulnerable as a rabid pit bull, and there will always be a problem or a crisis to overcome.

If you happen to be dealing with an Emotional Manipulator, you are not alone. If you happen to be one yourself, I’ve probably turned you off by now, and I hope you know – you’re not welcome on my playground. Oh, and that bumper sticker saying ‘Mean People Suck’ that mysteriously ended up on your front door…? Hello! You’re the mean one. And we’re tired of you using ignorance as an excuse to be an *ss.

The Powerful, Almighty... Credit Score!

Seems every time I enter the world wide web, I get bombarded with warnings about how I need to constantly check my credit, how important good credit is and what idiotic things end up hurting my credit.

And frankly, the more I read about it, the less I want to know. Because it’s really beginning to chap my hide.

I certainly understand why we shouldn’t go around screwing each other financially. We have to be responsible for ourselves and see our obligations through. But getting dinged for opening an account, closing an account, thinking about an account or transferring debt(?) (yes, transferring debt) simply seems unfair to even responsible me.

Especially since the ‘Powers That Seem to Be In Charge’ want to use our credit to… well… hold everything else over our heads for the rest of our lives.

So who exactly made Credit king? Who’s on the panel of judges? And may I make an appointment to speak with them?

Its seems to me that this whole ‘Credit is King’ thing is getting out of hand; like it’s being used to instill fear in us. Because we’re all a little afraid of faceless, nameless things that cannot be tamed and yet run our lives from an invisible tower someplace that does not exist.

And now that our economy is taking a beating and our living-from-credit lifestyles are being scrutinized, I’d like to ask just who encouraged such behavior in the first place?

Huh?

“They” did!

p.s. There is no photo honest and yet picturesque enough to do this entry justice.

Just Say Yes

As a writer, a significant part of me tends to be rather introverted – often alone with my thoughts and keyboard, the incessant little clicks of my feverish typing lulling me into some altered state of creative consciousness. Yet as a freelance writer, this introverted part of me does not serve me so well when it comes to the marketing of said person, when it comes to tooting my own horn, not shying away from attention and boldly securing new projects.

So when I was invited to speak at a book club recently, was asked for a photo of myself for a publication and was asked to write something of which I know very little about (forcing me to get out there and beat the pavement – and people - for information), I naturally hesitated at first. I honestly prefer (and have been choosing) to save my extroverted self for purely personal social situations, loathing networking like it has cooties rather than potential.

But at backward glance, I also know this compartmentalizing of my life and denying of my abilities is holding me back from the success I truly deserve (yes, I do). For if I indeed have a significant level of extroversion, why would I utilize it only for fun? It’s like ignoring a cash cow that’s ‘moo-ing’ right beside me, loyally following me around with a dinging bell ringing ‘money, honey.’

So I’ve decided to turn over a new leaf as this hot, dry summer slowly gives way to a more refreshing season… I’m saying ‘yes’ to these invitations that draw me out of my comfort zone. And a little effort and working through the fear aside, I know that practice leads to perfectly progressing in that these little steps I’m taking toward personal success will help me capitalize on my strengths by forging into this new territory with not apprehension, but self-confidence and vigor. Go Me!

Hello Harry

Hey, look, it’s September! That means we survived the planetary eruptions of August! I feel around to see if I have any wounds that have not yet begun to gush. But no, I seem unscathed and perhaps even stronger for the wear. The exhaustion seems to be leaving me in waves; the smoke mostly gone from our northern California skies… (Could the two be related? I wouldn’t be surprised); and last night in my dreams I fought a stalker off while convincing a mad boyfriend that he should, in fact, not be mad at my failure but instead happy that I tried. Seems all may be settling into some semblance of harmony for a while.

So here’s a cute little story for you to segue into September with: Tom (boyfriend) recently bought a spritely live plant. When we got him home, took care of his thirst and clipped off the split ends, we set him on the counter and noticed how nice he looked there. Then it dawned on me as Tom was worrying about whether he could keep it alive or not that this lovely little plant needed a name, some personification to seal the connection between it and us. So I said, “We should name it.”

Immediately, the name “Harry” popped into my mind. But I didn’t say anything. One, because I wanted Tom to name his plant (thought it would help them bond). And two, because – well, to be frank – I wasn’t particularly in love with the name “Harry”.

So anyway, Tom’s standing there, really thinking about what to call this little green pluming creature… He considers it for about 10 long seconds, and then says, “How about ‘Harry’!”

Needless to say, our green friend now has a name. But what I wonder is, did we read the plant’s mind (is his name really “Harry”?) or did Tom read my mind?? Either way, “Harry” the plant has a healthy identity, and both “Harry” the plant and “Harry” the name now have a special place in my heart.

Life is sure a curious thing~